The Stocks Exchange

Free, I long to be free
I long for the day I believe
That all you say you see in me is true
That’s hard for me to do
It’s hard for me to die to myself
And trust my life to someone else

So come, empty me out
I’m no good without
You inside of me

Come and fill my heart with hope
Come and fill my life with love
Come and fill my soul with strength to carry on
Because from here the climb is steep, the road is long
Come and fill my days with dreams
Empty me of all the empty things that I hold on to
Come and fill my heart with you

I need you in my life
Need you like the air that I breathe
You become the very heart of me
And I, I can’t believe my eyes
I can’t believe the dream that I’ve found
Lord your love has turned my world around

So come, fill up my heart till I am like you are
So deep inside of me

Come and fill my heart with hope
Come and fill my life with love
Come and fill my soul with strength to carry on
Because from here the climb is steep, the road is long
Come and fill my days with dreams
Empty me of all the empty things that I hold on to
Come and fill my heart with you

Search me Lord, try my heart
Come and take me now and make me new
So Lord that the world will see you in my life

Come and fill my heart with hope
Come and fill my life with love
Come and fill my soul with strength to carry on
Because from here the climb is steep, the road is long
Come and fill my days with dreams
Empty me of all the empty things that I hold on to
Come and fill my heart with you

Come and fill my days with dreams
Empty me of all the empty things that I hold on to,
Come and fill my heart with you

This really old avalon song. certain lines just hit it on the note. haven’t reached the full ability to embrace and allow. but still.

I feel like I’ve banished myself out of His presence. Knowingly, [un?]willingly. But I keep wanting.We are on this continuum. and where am I?

first truth/myth to establish- we all have a different continuum of a Christian life.

so what’s God’s.

then again, its not a ranking.is it?

so. why does it make me feel like there is one?

What do people think when they take the slippery slope down?

what do I want?

i miss having to check the temperature before going out.

i miss wearing loads and loads of layers, deciding which layer to remove or which layer to add.

i miss not having to bother about what i need to do the whole day and just see what comes my way.

i miss having to grumble over what to eat, or just meeting katja for a cup of tea or seeing her whip up a meal for me.

i miss making and drinking cinnamon tea for ulrika and just chatting with her in the living room.

i miss watching swedish idol with ulrika and waiting for her to translate what the judges just said.

i miss walking in the snow and rushing indoors when you know its getting too cold.

i miss seeing h and m everywhere

i miss the people in new life. the people who come from all walks of life.

i miss cells where i just attend and wait upon God to see what He has to say.

i miss just hanging around with stenley, janis, ingrid, andrea, aileen, blesson and the rest! just eating fika and listening to the various stories and you suddenly feel so connected to the rest of the world.

i miss taking random rides down the tunnelbana to see the outskirts of stockholm.

i miss waking up to seeing snow outside and seeing random fireworks.

i miss traveling and just marveling at the wondrous works, rich history and unique culture in Europe.

i miss the friendly people in Europe. they actually stop to talk to you. if you stop too.

i miss the anonymity.

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i am glad to have my family here with me now. so much so that i wished i didnt stay in hall.

i am glad to have my friends back in singapore. michelle (though i havent actually talked talked with you), bri, fran (skype rocks right) and the many many more whom i want to catch, but havent. or have already.

i am glad for bambi the cutest dog alive.

my capacity to maintain friendships is going down.

i cant wait for chinese new year break.

love.

love between two beings. Male-Female. Female-Female. Male-Male. God-Man. Parent-child. Friend-Friend.

still love.

what is love.

what kind of love am i looking for. what kind of love am i giving to people.

1 Corinthians 13

If i speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.

If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains but have not love, I am nothing.

If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

It is not rude, It is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears.

When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child. I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.

Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

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am I still a child?

i know in little pieces. GOD knows everything.

do i love in part too? can love be divided? can love be measured? where does it come from? does it ever run out? love|hate. what a thin line.

i know in part. but i am clueless in parts. and i will never know, till i become perfect again.

i’ve never actually felt that much at ease. i dont have an overwhelming desire to want to stay. and so if i dont get what i want. then. my limits have been pushed. no six floor. not that anyone was moving out. but if not my old block. no thanks. i rather the comfort of my own home. besides, i dont find myself wanting it more than ever. i guess after exchange or travelling i would say, it seems like not everything is about hall, church, certain group of friends (whoever you think you might be, but i dont mean anyone in particular).

you know how we are wired up to depend on something, our small comfort zone, our area, our territory.

i wouldnt say that if i get to hall, i would not love it. i will. i still want to play. but if i dont. its fine either. you know what i mean? i guess i am no longer stubborn about certain things. (in the first place, i dont think i ever sold my soul to hall. i for one, have always known my place and priorities, but its clearer than ever)

exchange is something where i have learnt about and made friends from  different countries (i almost feel like i have friends all over the world/europe), seen things i’ve never seen, experience life i’ve never had, enjoyed places and company i have never had, learnt about topics in school (since i am a student right), but above all, learnt more about myself.

i may be an open book, but there’s still loads to learn and i certainly have many blindspots. (since i am kinda headless in the past).

God for one, was and still is my rock. (in case you think that i have thrown that away, you laugh, maybe)

i think above all, i have learnt the value of family and friends. (and maybe one more f word. food. what are you thinking?)

anyway, about family and friends.

i think i have mentioned about the sudden realisation or perhaps breaking out of the take-for-granted state of how fortunate i am.

and i appreciate them. i think GOD does indeed know where to start off. the deepest of the deepest.

it seems like i’ve suddenly grown older (yes i was childish, i still am for certain aspects lah, lets keep it that way) to acknowledge certain facts. and i need to learn to translate them into maintained actions. haha

i wonder it any of it makes sense. its kinda vague. but i need mental cues of what i am suddenly reflecting about.

when you are travelling, you suddenly have loads to think about. and the world becomes smaller and bigger at the same time. like because of how the world is suddenly so much bigger to you, you recognise the need to keep certain precious things close to you, making your world smaller at the same time. okay. its okay if you dont get it. i do.

and i really appreciate and thank GOD that i travelled with a bunch of fantastic fun-loving people. its different. somehow, perhaps cause there were two. we get bored. friction. one person, i get bored, but meet all sorts of different people and make friends from everywhere. but when the number is just nice. its perfect.

maybe its not the number. its just like that.

i loved the company during the travels. i was alone in germany and travelled with different people, mainly australians. =) great fun and glad to have made friends. joanne!=D hope she is doing fine back in australia already. thank God for facebook man.

berlin was really amazing. i loved it. learnt so much about the history and the place and the people are super duper friendly. =)

munich was alright, but the trip to the neuschwanstein castle was the icing on the cake. =) its the inspiration to the disney castle.

and i finally joined jo and co in switzerland. jo,xuanie,ligim,gdine,jizheng. =DDDD

swiss is seriously seriously amazing. common consensus. we are all going to go back there one day. yes. eiger, mönch, jungfrau. the evian bottle? hahah well swiss is just great lah. the swiss alps. you can just be full looking at the scenery. and our hostel in interlaken was facing jungfrau. =) okay, everywhere we went, we were surrounded by mountains. mountains with snow. you can see facebook photos when its up. but seriously, it still doesnt do justice to the beauty of swiss. and there were stars at night! hahah so stars with mountains. was commenting that the only two things lacking was water (okay, we went to thun after that which had a lake and the mountains) and a husband. HAHAHA and well for jz, a certain someone. HAHAH

okay. anyway, the trip up to jungfrau was super freaking tiring because of this ‘acute mountain syndrome’. thats according to the 4 science people on the trip. haha. yeah, i pretty much lean towards the low blood pressure type of person so headaches lasted a whole day. but whatever, standing on glaciers make up for my regrets of not visiting bergen in norway.

and tada. italy. common consensus. its a place to only go once. (okay maybe i will try florence one day. but italy…..) not exactly my ideal destination anymore. rome was just seriously full of ruins. colossum was nice lah, but the forum thingy was omg. vatican city was at least alright. but dude, the whole route to sistine chapel was abit too long huh. quote the guy behind us when we reached the chapel ‘is this the sistine chapel? finally?’. ultimate.

just the thought we all had.

perhaps the only redeeming factor of italy is the gelato. =) jz is the gelato uncle/gps. he ate 16 scoops in 4 days.

venice was. well flooded. and i fell sick. i didnt go for the countdown. but jo made it sound so funny. the theme was ‘love 2010’. honestly, this magazine on the train said that venice countdown would have this collective kiss thingy and we were all hmmm, like diao (HAHAH hanging out with this bunch makes me talk with sound effects haha, but i havent graduated with bachelors in singlish). anyway, according to them (3 of them went), the water level rose so yeah. (we figured that the air raid siren followed by the weird sounds were flood signals haha), small stage and every dont know how many minutes, they will countdown to kiss. HAHAHAH funny and weird right. haha and there was this ‘love boat’ (which was just essentially a suited-to-the-theme name for the air boat) that passed through the crowd. but the worst part was the fireworks. hahah super anti climax when i heard about it haha. so cheated can. haha (BTW I JUST SAW FIREWORKS outside my window in stocks! haha pleasant surprise). 12am sharp right, suppose to have fireworks to celebrate the arrival of 2010. and no fireworks. so some people including them left and started walking. 10 minutes later. kaboom kaboom. HAHHAHA

i feel so sorry for them lah. but it was so funny. like rawr.but they said they saw abit lah. =)

and we were all super duper happy to get out of italy. AND ITALY’s water is so corrosive. jo and my boots are in a mess! =(

wien! austria. it was pretty much alright. just sad that they couldnt watch the concert with me because they had to a night train to catch. =( but it was really quite good. they were so cute to play jingle bells at the end.

yes. so exchange is coming to an end. i havent packed. oh. packing. so many things. haiyoh.

and i am so happy with the puzzles though, uh. very bulky.

in total i have 6. haha gonna frame and hang them up when i am done. i told my mum that i bought puzzles, she was like hmm. hahah but she knows that i love puzzles. =)

the 6 include david’s coronation of napolean (lourve), gaudi’s mosaic (barcelona), this mosaic world map puzzle (its gonna be super freaking duper hard) from germany but well its US product, but heck),neuschwanstein castle and 2 from the sistine chapel of the vatican museum- creation and the last judgement.

=)

i actually do want to go back to singapore.

and gonna die of heat stroke. haha